The Treatment:
We’ve mechanized shows that produce our top chefs, designers, singers, dancers, models and even barbers. Now it’s time that we got real and put into works the reality television mechanism that will produce America’s next top prophet, the true idol of the heavens come back to earth, the true king of popular religion, in Project Next Top Messiah (PNTM).
In PNTM, thousands will audition to be one of a handful selected to compete on the most competitive, as well as the most prophetable (hee-hee), reality tv show to ever hit the airwaves. Our panel of supreme judges, from all walks of religious life (mostly Jews), will narrow the list to approximately twenty finalists who will earn trips to the holiest of holy lands, Salt Lake City, Utah to compete in front of a live studio audience of millions upon millions to see if they have what it takes to guide the future of humanity in a new spiritual direction. Will that mean apocalypse and an instant stairway to heaven? Or perhaps a new set of gospels, moral and religious codes by which to govern society as well as live as individuals (and by individuals I mean sheep who do as is written and as they are told)? Only the next top messiah can say for sure.
Like any great and holy reality show, each episode will consist of challenges and performances by which viewers, in true democratic process, will base the most important vote of their lives (each wrong vote may result in eternal damnation). The first challenge will be a simple carpentry task in episode one. Although, contestants may come from all walks of life, from reverends to construction workers to business moguls and maybe even a homeless man, this simple task will help weed out the unworthy, unholy posers, because you know the next messiah will be a natural carpenter.
As the season progresses, challenges and demonstrations of holy worthiness will grow in difficulty. Contestants will be asked to preach gospels, collect followers and even apostles, and of course, to perform miracles (walking on water, turning wine into water, raising the dead, plague of frogs, the usual messiah stuff). Now, simple illusions may suffice in the earlier episodes, but eventually the American public will turn wise to anything that isn’t authentic miracle making. Chris Angel and faith healers like Steve Martin’s character from Leap of Faith (What a great movie btw. Meatloaf? He can act? Yup!) may make it past the first few episodes, but they will be proven as false prophets before the end of the season mark my words. Cause Americans know a fraud, a liar, a cheat when they see one. George W. Bush anybody? Okay, scratch what I said about Americans not being retarded.
Instead of eliminating players or simply voting them off, failed prophets will be crucified. They won’t literally be crucified of course, but this is the term that will be used as extra religious flair to keep the show popping. However, it is quite possible that in the final episode, the contestant crowned Next Top Messiah will in fact be crucified. But this will be left up to the Jews, per usual.
You may think that the longevity of this show is limited because once you have a messiah you can’t have another one, right? Wrong! NOTE: THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED AND EXTRA DOUBLE TOP SECRET. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU CANNONT KEEP YOU MOUTH WATER TIGHT (You know, like a frog’s butt). Because we all know that it is the Anti-Christ who comes back first. Thus, the so-called Top Messiah from season one will in fact turn out to be THE ANTI-CHRIST. Therefore, a second season will be needed to find the TRUE MESSIAH. And once he (or maybe she, but come on…a female messiah? We couldn’t even elect Hillary to the Democratic nomination and you think we’re going to pick a female Messiah…) is selected he will do battle with the Anti-Christ in order to save the earth from certain, undeniable doom or whatever.
Furthermore (in Hollywood terms that means sequels which means $$$) international, or at least inter-religious, shows will be run as well. This way each dominant religion can produce its own messiah and/or prophet and/or whatever those backwards heathens from across the seas want to call him, or maybe, possibly her (but let’s face it, chances are a female Christian messiah is the best we got and that ain’t looking good). So, once we have a Muslim messiah, a Buddhist messiah, a Hindu messiah, a Pagan messiah, and a Scientologist messiah (TBD whether or not the Jews get a messiah. They have a tendency to deny that their messiah has returned and my guess is they will do the same thing again) to go with our Christian messiah, they will all compete on All Star Project Next Top Messiah. On ASPNTM, the world will vote (because globalization rules) and one true messiah, the messiah of the messiahs will be chosen. We’ll call him Messiah to the second power (or messiah squared). Messiah2 will then preach a new world gospel, the gospel of gospels or gospel2. The entire world will convert to this religion and be happily ever after. No really, think of it, no more holy wars, no more senseless murder, no more annoying young people in black suits and ties pounding on your door telling you to move to Utah (Utah? Really? Utah?) or old people passing out cheap magazines with cheesie, poorly written stories and no funny pages or celebrity gossip (Watchtower? The only way I’m watching a tower is if Britney Spears is on the top with a sniper rifle getting her just revenge).
This, my friends, is how reality television will save the world. And did I mention, make the producers of said show a ridiculous amount of money in the process. Because let’s face it, everybody loves Jesus and everybody loves an underdog and what bigger an underdog than THE NEXT TOP MESSIAH…okay, maybe that doesn’t make sense, but you get the point.
