How I Stopped Worrying and Learned To Love The Internet

Recently I had the pleasure of cutting the Internet from my life for the majority of the summer. It was an enlightening and fulfilling experience and I highly recommend it. I’d like to share why I decided to take such a drastic measure and why I have welcomed the world wide web, not so open armed, back into my life.

First of all, the Internet is the biggest evil yet to be invented in the technological age, quietly replacing television as the drug of the nation. It is not just a terrible waste of time and distraction from the important things in life and the progress of humanity, but a mask of phoniness cleverly disguised as information outlets and communication tools. In fact, 99% of the information received on the Internet is speculative, opinionated and without citation (keeping with the tradition I won’t bother to cite any statistics in this blog either). Even more frightening is that all of it is controlled. If you want to know something, any simple fact, where do you begin? You “google” what you’re looking for, right? The Google Corporation has complete control over every website that turns up in their search engine and the order in which you receive them. This includes searching for a hot picture of that actress whose movie you just saw, looking for tabs to the new Lincoln Park song (Lincoln Park sucks by the way) and anything else you can imagine needing to know more about. Luckily, Google is not evil. Not so far as we know. Their company motto is “don’t be evil,” after all. Well, that’s reassuring. If GM would just adopt that motto perhaps they would stop making and marketing detrimental vehicles like the Hummer. If you own a Hummer please do not read my blog. Please have a drink and take a drive.

Tools used to communicate on the Internet create one dimensional and phony relationships that only distract from real human interaction, interaction that can actually deepen friendships and associations that may actually contribute to the betterment of this world. Internet profiles are thin transparencies of who we really are. Myspace “friends” are not real friends and should not be considered such unless your relationship goes beyond posting comments, reading blogs and looking at each other’s pictures. Describing who you are in a few words, posting pictures of what you did this weekend, and listing the movies and music you like are no substitute for real dialogue and physical interaction. Nor are blogs. Blogs about who you are and what you’re up to are a waste of time, yours and the readers. If you’re going to blog, blog about something worthwhile. Write something with some thought and a message. I’ll learn much more about you based on what you write about and the way in which you write it and I might just get something out of it too. I’m not saying that this is all we have, but the way we’re headed this is all we’ll have in the not too distant future. No more meeting the next love of your life at a party, through a mutual friend or in some serendipitous way at the grocery store or library. Nope, Internet dating will be the only way to make dates and even friends. And do you really want your first impression of someone to be your myspace profile? Oh, and by the way…when describing who you are and what you like don’t list music. “I really love music!” Everyone loves music you asshole. That’s like saying you like breathing or sleeping when you’re tired.

But my hatred of the Internet and subsequent decision to cut in out of my life only starts with sketchy information sources and myspace, friendster, facebook and any other bullshit ways to develop and keep a community of friends. How much time does the average person spend online each day? In fact, how could you find this simple bit of information without the Internet? I had no idea how to survive without the Internet. Not just for useless trivia but for everyday functions. For example, I think I’ll go see a movie today. I wonder what’s playing? I wonder what time? During my vacation from the Internet I had to dig deep, to a decade or so ago, and remember something called the phonebook, the yellow pages to be specific. Look under ‘t’ for theaters (‘m’ for movie theaters in some books), find the theater of choice and give them a call. To my surprise, theaters still have recorded messages telling you everything you ever wanted to know about seeing a movie at their theater. Simple. Easy. Easier and more dependable than going online. And believe it or not, faster. And most importantly you actually use your brain to do it.

The phonebook is also good for looking up area codes and zip codes for mailing letters, I discovered. And by letters I mean the old fashion kind, graphite on paper, words drawn with the simple twist of a wrist. What a beautiful thing handwriting letters used to be (and could still be). It’s SO MUCH more personal. And when you do it, you take your time, you think about what you’re writing and why. Not to mention the sensation of receiving a letter, cutting into the envelope to discover its contents and then reading through it, sometimes deciphering your friends chicken scratch like it’s a foreign language. Afterwards, you have a physical souvenir to do with as you wish. I have shoeboxes full of letters from the pre-internet era. I think I received exactly one in the last few years. Pathetic. Shooting me an email or a myspace message doesn’t show you care the way writing a letter does.

The average American (with internet access at home and at work) spends 3.7 hours per day at work using the Internet for personal activities and 5.9 hours at home doing work related activities. Wow, so the Internet is distracting from our workday and that work is being taken out of our personal lives, and then some. And you know that the time spent “working” online when you’re not at work leads to even more time online wasting time. This has got to be managed. And by “wasting time” I mean engaging in web activity that does not serve the betterment of society. I won’t say outright that it does not serve the betterment of an individual’s personal life, my self-righteousness should have some sort of ceiling, but I will hint at that hypothesis.

The Internet is an addiction; an addiction to a drug that most people are not aware is harmful. It’s like cigarettes fifty years ago when ads used to say, “Nine out of ten doctors prefer Menthol Kools to Camel Lights.” Fifty years from now it will be common knowledge that over-use of the internet leads to all sorts of crisis, maybe not cancer and heart disease, but perhaps to increased divorce rates, lower IQs and depression, and probably to increased cholesterol (leading to heart disease), arthritis and stigmatism as well.

That said, I have obviously decided to allow the Internet into my life once again. Living without it was like taking a shower for the first time after a long camping trip. Coming home and not immediately checking my email or myspace made me feel naked at first but after a short time the desire was washed away to a feeling of great relief. My mind was cleared and I began to examine all that the internet is, good and bad. You’ve heard some of the bad, but the Internet can be a great communication tool and information source if used in moderation, with consciousness and not as a substitute for the more meaningful aspects of life. How else could I share, for free, these thoughts with potentially millions of people? It will probably only be a few but instant access to even a single person is an invaluable a resource.

So, here I am embracing the great evil of our time in hope that it, like most people, will rise above its faults and weaknesses to contribute to the betterment of society and the peaceful progress of the human race. Take what you will from my words here and discard the rest. If something stings that’s reason enough to give it some thought and to please post your thoughts. Your comments are welcomed and encouraged with as much brutal honesty as you feel responding to my posts as I have felt writing them.

I don’t intend this blog to be musings of my everyday, about my personal life, but important thoughts and questions regarding the issues of our time and philosophies of us as people on the same rock in the same universe. Expect posts on marriage, gay marriage, politics, war, peace, love, hate, faith, religion, money, fame, the good/bad internet and much, much more. Expect the occasional short story, film or book review and rants and raves and preaching about God knows what will come into my head. But remember always to not only question everything I say (as you would everything else you read or hear anywhere, especially on the internet) but to also engage in discussion. Believe in what feels right in the best parts of your heart and soul and the deepest, most untapped parts of your mind and I will too and together we will begin to piece together this jigsaw puzzle we all call “life.”

I leave you with the words of the great Walt Whitman, one of our greatest gifts, whose words and wisdom remain to guide and inspire and teach us,

"This year…This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others. Hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take your hat off to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families…read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words, but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body."

Sincerely,

Dr. H’