So, I don’t honestly understand the concept of marriage? I’ve had conversations with a lot of friends (married and not) about it but the truth is, I still don’t get it.
First of all, the wedding ceremony… Why and the hell would I want to stand up in front of a bunch of people (most of which I either don’t know or don’t like all that much) and proclaim my love for somebody who (if we’re really this serious) already knows how I feel about her. I am not shy about my feelings. I never have been (despite what one ex lady friend probably thinks). The woman I love will know this far in advance of our supposed nuptial appointment. And this love and the intimacy we share will be about her and I and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Now, I like the idea of a reception, mainly because parties are fun. And it will be a rare opportunity to have all of my friends together all at once, once again. But the fact is, I have been to a lot of weddings and the bride and groom never have time to hang out and celebrate with their friends. Time is split thinly between overbearing family members, friends of overbearing family members and redundant traditions like dances and cakes and speeches, most of which probably weren’t the happy couple’s idea in the first place. And I won’t even get started on the fruitless spending on weddings. I’ll give my on average $28,000 to feed some starving monks in Burma (you may know it as Myanmar but it will always be Burma to me).
Now, as far as the institution itself... Other than financial reasons (ie, tax breaks) I see no logical reason to get married. Does it make your love any more real? No. Does it change the way you feel about each other? No. Does it solidify the commitment you share for each other? Actually, no. Does it force an unnecessary burden upon your relationship that will undeniably come back to haunt you in over fifty percent of the cases? Absolutely.
Most of my friends who are married have noted no difference in their relationship after the ceremony with the exception, perhaps, of the woman learning her new last name (which is a stupid, pointless tradition also). The only thing I have noticed is that it may have made them all a bit more boring. And I attribute this to (subconsciously) structuring their married life based on the way in which they were indoctrinated to perceive it growing up; from their parents and what they saw in media, etc.
So, why do people get married? Other than not knowing better. Other than not even considering another option. I think that people in general feel the need to strive towards a foreseeable goal in all aspects of life. And with relationships, marriage is the ultimate goal. Getting married is like reaching the peak of Mt. Everest, you know if you consider love a mountain you have to climb (maybe I should keep away from these terrible metaphors I use to look at relationships: mountain climbing, boxing match, crossing the monkey bars, etc. I think it may be damaging my positive perception on…oh forget it). Although this may be a psychological element as to why we need marriage, I believe that young people today get married mostly because of tradition. Pressure from family is the main motivator is many, many cases. However, I believe that it is a dying institution that will greatly decline once our parents and our parent’s parents cease to have influence (that’s a nice way to say when they are dead). Marriage percentages have already dropped dramatically since the 70s for example (see Wikipedia, the knower of all things, for stats). Religious propaganda will have heavy influence for years to come but that too, I think, is in decline. But I won’t get into religion right now. Dissecting religion is my Mount Everest and I don’t have my Sherpa with me at the moment.
Now, I may regret this some day when I meet the perfect girl who’s always dreamt of a white wedding in June with thirty thousand guests but here’s how I honestly feel about marriage:
People call it the sanctity of marriage. But the institution itself is not what is sacred. Love is sacred. Commitment is sacred. Devotion is sacred. Everything that is sacred about relationships has nothing to do with marriage. And yet for some reason they are considered irrevocably connected.
It’s just another opportunity to keep people divided. Many heterosexual people claim it as their soul right. Religious people condemn homosexuals. I have news for you, people are born gay. If you believe in God that means God makes homosexuals. Until marriage is accepted by everyone for everyone, I will not support it.
Tax breaks will be available soon(ish) to all couples through civil unions. Knowing the bass ackwards ignorant thinking of too many people in this country marriage itself will never be made legal for each and every person. Which means civil unions (or something similar) will eventually be law in every state (Even Mississippi. Not to pick on Mississippi, but come on, who was I going to say? Tenneessee? Alabama? Doesn’t have the same…ring). So, why not get Civil Unionized, even if you’re not gay. This way you can still have the financial/governmental benefits but do not have to support an institution that is based on double standards and age-old tradition.
Lastly, I think marriage is unnecessary in the modern world. Not only unnecessary, but potentially detrimental. I think everybody with a conscience should boycott marriage until either a) it is allowed for anyone who wishes to have it or b) something equivalent is created for everyone and marriage is denounced by the government and becomes only a church thing.
Your thoughts?
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3 comments:
Blah mostly. If people want to express their love through a certificate, by all means, let em have a go. It still represents some thing sacred, whether or not you believe in it is your opinion. You're right in that nothing really changes, but if you allow your relationship to stagnate because you can't handle the committment after the ceremony then what were you doing in the first place? It typifies something intangible, indefinite, some thing beyond the falseness we happen to blind ourselves with.
Though it can also represent the dualities of both good and bad, it's really what you make of it. If you are able to find some one to love and who loves you back unconditionally, then you're way better off than the rest of us. Everyone else is just settling.
If you have such a problem with it I hope I never have to hear about you taking the plunge.
-Little Billy from the Playground
I'm all for monogamy, life long comittment and unconditional love. These things are sacred to me and I hope they are to most people. What I'm potentially opposed to is instituionalizing these things, labeling love, looking at relationships as you would a career or a marathon race. I see no reason to make marriage a goal, or to define the success of a relationship based on this status. You can have all of the sacred aspects of marriage without confining yourself to narrow definitions of what it is supposed to be. I agree that it's what you make of it, and some people make it in to a beautiful thing, but I'm mostly opposed to it in relationship to how our society is governed, how people are treated and how an individual defines the success, happiness and love in his or her life.
Love and commitment do not require a license. But if the certificate means nothing, why does the gay community want it so badly?
In my past (unmarried) romantic relationships, it eventually starts to feel like one or both of us are holding out for something better. And though i wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, I was. Living together is sort of a semi-married state where you are hedging your bets.
In hindsdight, the talk about commitment in those relationships was mostly lip service. There was less of a commitment to the relationship in most areas especially in matters around money. If people are free to leave a relationship (and they must be or else it would be called marriage), there is no incentive to invest heavily in the union. There is less incentive to love fully and be emotionally open and vulnerable.
Marriage profoundly alters how I feel towards my partner. There is something deeply satisfying in the cohesion and loyalty. It alters the way you are seen by family and friends and by all the institutions of society. Studies indicate that married individividuals are heathier, happier, have more money, less anxiety and depression, more satisfying sex. It provides a greater degree of emotional security and a framework to raise a family. It's a way of saying to ourselves and the world that we're the most important thing in the world to each other. It entangles you, making you responsible to another person. It’s a n agreement to act lovingly even when you do not feel love.
I'm drawn to the romance of marriage, to becoming part of something bigger than the two of us. I want to acknowledge publically in a wedding ceremony in front of everybody that I care about this person enough to enter into a very ancient covenant with him. It's the public declaration, fortified by society that makes it different than living together. The ceremony, the family, the rings, make it feel like a much bigger deal. If marriage represents a greater commitment than living together then that's the commitment I want to give and to get from the person I love. I am no longer willing to give and receive half-heartedly. I want the whole thing.
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