Hollywood Job Hunt: Part One of One or More

I’ve decided to log my incessant and seemingly hopeless attempt to get a job. First of all, looking for work in Los Angeles is one of worst experiences of my life so far. Granted, I have not experienced apartheid in Africa, guerilla warfare in Columbia or frozen homeless winters in Moscow, but I imagine this is on par.

A little back-story to begin with. I haven’t actually worked since June of last year. That’s not entirely true; I worked for two and one half weeks on re-shoots (I believe the preferred term is “Additional Photography”) for this years much beloved holiday musical sensation, “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.” However, two and one half weeks as a PA in this town amounts to very, very little even though we did have a couple very long days. Long nights at Sony aren’t so bad as long as you have beer (we did) and the tenacity to drink it without fear of consequences (we did). I knew that this would probably be the last film job in my life, or certainly for some time to come, so I feared nothing. Which isn’t to say I didn’t do my job and didn’t do it well, but the truth is, in this town, in most positions on a film you can give about sixty percent effort and be just fine (assuming you’re not a complete moron. A complete idiot might have to give 70 – 75%). There are exceptions of course, but let’s face it, being a PA is one of the most brainless jobs I can think of. It’s on par with the guy who cleans jizz off of the walls of the VIP room in seedy (and sometimes fancy) strip clubs. Although, PAs usually have to clean up shit, not jizz, and it’s not off the walls but off of your own self. As a PA in Hollywood, (or anywhere they make films?) you get shat on by everyone.

And here’s the kicker…here I am looking for work in the industry. Anything I can find really, including PA work. I am so completely overqualified to be a PA, it’s ridiculous. And yet, I somehow manage to lower my self-esteem just enough to think it’s all I can get, all I am worth. I moved to the west coast as an experienced AD on independent films and I haven’t AD’d once since I arrived. Partly because I decided I didn’t want to be an AD for a living (they say the life expectancy of a career AD is about 54 years old and I’ve seen enough evidence to support that claim), and party because I fell into a PA job, the money was better than I had ever made, it took little to no effort and most of the time you’re just goofing off and killing time anyway (hm…maybe this is why I can’t find work). The problem is, as a PA, you are made to think you are not good enough to do anything but PA. In fact, you are made to think you aren’t even good enough to PA and that at any moment you will be fired. Or at least degraded enough to want to quit.

This is the problem with Hollywood: everyone thinks that egos are what gets movies made. When really it’s wallets and a lot of hard work. But the wallets do not reward the hard work in a proportionally appropriate way. This is called corporate capitalism. The Hollywood movie industry is capitalism at it’s very worst, mainly because it exploits honest and positive human dreams and corrupts them with greed, ego and eventually leads them to hopeless despair.

So, why am I looking for a job in this industry? To pass the time. To pay the bills. As Jim Morrison once said, “To break on through to the other side.” Why else? Los Angeles is a trap. They lure you here by dangling carrots in front of your face and you end up chasing that carrot like a mule until you have exhausted all hopes, dreams and ambitions and collapse to death, face down in the sand, lost in the desert. When you realize this, it is too late. You are trapped. And for those of us fortunate enough to realize this in time to escape, we also come to the unfortunate realization that we are still dependent upon that from which we are fleeing, in order to break free.

Which is why I am completely incapable at the moment of finding a job. This town is like a dog or a bee. It senses fear (and despair). But it also senses when you want out and has a huge fear of its own—a fear of abandonment. It will do whatever it takes to keep you here. Sometimes that means dangling more carrots in front of you, and sometimes it means giving you nothing, just enough to live, but not enough to afford an escape. Keeps you strong enough to crawl, but too weak to run away.

So, how does one find a job in the LA film industry when the last thing they really want to do is work in the LA film industry? First, you pretend that you want nothing less than to work in the LA film industry. This is where you find out how good of an actor you really are. Don’t forget, this town can sense untruthfulness like Holden Caulfield senses phoniness. And it’s bread into each and every person that may hire you. They may not even know why, but if they sense the tiniest bit of hesitation in your desire to be a part of the mechanism, they will forward your resume straight to the trash bin.

Second, it’s all about who you know (that should probably be “whom you know” but…). You can reply to as many Craig’s List ads as you possibly can, but the LA vultures fear change and are socially paranoid when it comes to hiring new people. They’ll hire an incompetent PA they know, but whom they can tolerate, before they’ll hire an unknown. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have. In fact, experience is worth nothing in comparison to knowing somebody. Experience is intimidating, because the more experiences you have the less they will be able to control you, the less you will stand by and let them shit on you. I’ve resorted to sending a blank page as my resume and writing as a cover letter, “I have no idea what I’m doing, have never done this before, but I will bathe in your urine if that’s what you tell me to, no questions asked.”

Finally, you should probably be a girl. Particularly if you’re trying to be anyone’s assistant. And an attractive one to boot. This is kind of a stereotype, a bit of a cliché, but it’s absolutely true in every circumstance everywhere with no exceptions. It’s like checking one of the minority boxes under the race question when applying to colleges—it just works. Unfortunately, it’s a bit tricky in my case to get a job as a woman (I being a man). Mainly because I have bad ankles and don’t do well in high heels (yeah, I thought that was funny too). I am a skinny guy, which is good in many ways (that’s a hint at all the anorexic women in this town and how our society puts an unhealthy emphasis on thin women but you get the point), but not when it comes to producing the appropriate amount of cleavage. I have learned to except the inevitable fact, I do not have big enough breasts to get a decent job or promotion in Hollywood. It was a sad realization to come to. The flip side of this is, of course, that many, many Hollywood big shots are in fact, gay men. But I’ve never done well with gay men. I don’t think I come across as homophobic exactly, because I actually prefer gay people to straight people sometimes; it’s all a part of my plan to be as individualistic as possible, to avoid trends at all costs. Unfortunately, it’s become popular to be gay or metrosexual, and so goes my plan. But I think I come off as either completely not gay or as a really stuck-up gay, maybe even a self-loathing gay. I’m not sure why this is, but whenever I hang out in overtly gay bars (which I often do), I may get a few looks, but I do not get a lot of verbal attention. Maybe they sense my straightness but I somehow doubt that because I’ve been mistaken for gay too many times (it’s either the mustache or the tight leather pants, not sure which). Maybe I’m subconsciously trying to communicate telepathically that I am straight in hopes to avoid any confusion, but I’m not sure about that because often I am seeking out a complement. I want to be flattered. Women certainly aren’t flattering me with a plethora of complements and attention, that’s for sure.

Okay, well back to the job hunt. I guess I haven’t actually talked much about the details of that. The rejections, the ignored emails even from people I’ve worked with before, that I know well, that know I need work, that I know need PAs. I guess personality goes further than I expected, and perhaps mine is too honest for some, certainly too honest for the cogs in the LA machine who only want their egos lubed and stroked ever so gently. Los Angeles is a big city, but Hollywood is a tiny industry, much too small for someone as derogatory and self-serving as me. Wait a minute…if that’s true, shouldn’t I fit right in?